Wendy and I spontaneously decided at 11pm to have a little night out at Factory yesterday, only because I was finally done with my essay on patient autonomy. It’s funny how I started off absolutely hating the principles of law, medicine and ethics module because the balance was tipped so heavily towards the discussion of ethics, but end up finding myself really interested and drawn into matters such as surrogacy and assisted dying. Cheesy as it sounds, all it took was for me to actually try and get myself engaged in the module. The same applies for life and people, doesn’t it? It’s not always easy, but if you strip away them inhibitions and prejudice, and at least attempt to appreciate things from a different perspective, it can make a world of a difference. 

So anyway, it was an incredibly good night out. Anywhere is good if it isn’t my room, library or gym. The worse thing about being busy is that time slips away so quickly, and before I know it, December is just about here. I was thoroughly enjoying September, but had absolutely no idea how October and November went by :(

And W, I’m gonna miss you so much when you’re gone. You’re the strongest girl I’ve ever met, and you’ve always been there for me whenever I needed you. You don’t ever put me down for the silly things I say or do, and you’re always there to pull me up whenever I find myself shying away from situations <3

I need someone who can quite literally take me off work, or I’m never gonna stop. I know how unhealthy it is to be obsessed about spending every single minute productively, but I can’t bring myself to sit around and do nothing when I know that there’s work waiting. Sure I take short breaks, but my mind never truly takes a break.

There was you, but not anymore. I’m pretty much done with your half-hearted attempts, and if you cared the slightest bit, you’d walk away for good. Don’t put me through an emotional roller coaster, I’ve been nothing but nice to you.

Fate has a funny way of messing around with me, and I’m not too sure if I should be thankful. It always happens on those rare occasions where I do actually care, where I find myself trapped in a memory, an echo from another time, another place.  I can almost hear them mock: “That place means something to you? Right, we’ll take it away very quite literally. You’re a naive fool who lets the wrong ones in and the right ones out.”

It’s so much easier to bury yourself amidst a sea of words (no, not textbooks or lecture notes) than deal with people. I’ve got enough on my plate and I’m sick of dealing with you and you. No doubt, my frustration is at least in part a spillover from the stress over uni work and job applications, but I’m done being second best, or worse, but just an option. No, I’m not being petty at all, I’m just starting to break from the months of tolerating your behaviour and bottling up my dissatisfaction with you. Whenever I asked for help, you damn well made sure I felt like a pest regardless of whether that was intended. You never have time or money for me, but definitely time and money for your other friends. And before you accuse me of sounding like an insecure, jealous bitch, don’t forget that I’m always the one here listening to your problems and comforting you over the smallest matters. And do I judge? No, I never do. And you? You want me tell you my problems, but when it gets a little too intense, you cut me off. And when I go running off to someone else, you go on about how I wouldn’t let you in. When you asked me for help, be it lecture notes or during the exams, have I ever hesitated to help? Nope. I send you not only my lecture notes, but even essay outlines which I spend hours labouring over. When you ask me out for lunch, do I turn you down?

Sure, you could say I’m the one who chooses not to socialise. Yes, I do keep my circle small, because I’ve learnt over the years that is quality over quantity. I’m not lonely, I’m not jealous. I’ve always been independent and I always will be, but I don’t do one-way friendships.

I want you around, but there’s only that much I can deal with before I pull the plug. You can’t be overly sensitive and squeamish to everything god-damned thing, and yet behave so insensitively towards others. I’m tired of picking up the pieces that shouldn’t even be there to begin with, and even more so of being treated dismissively around your other company. Just keep this up, and someday I won’t be there anymore.

I’ve been up at 6 for two consecutive days, and that could only mean one thing really – I’m starting to get really stressed out about my work load. It doesn’t help that I’m struggling with 2 out of 3 of my modules, and to make things worse, I was the one who hand-picked them. I should have known better really, my strength lies in substantive modules, and not issues that are overly philosophical…

But all in all, I’m enjoying 3rd year, because I’m making the effort to. I’m not closing myself off like I did in 2nd year, where I focused primarily in my studies, didn’t care about making new friends since I already had friends from first year, and worse, even then, neglected those old friends. It was study, study, study. I’ve learnt my mistake, and I’m trying to keep my walls down now. I’d proudly say I’ve been putting myself out there this year, getting to know new people and hitting the gym loads – it clears my mind, and rids whatever frustration bottled within, since the crew hardly does anymore nights out this year. Not surprising really, third year is tough, and knowing that it makes up two-thirds of your degree just fuels that pressure.

It’s brunch with 2nd year flatmates today, followed by Zumba with Natalie, then a solid few hours in the library (I hope!) and fajita + movie night in at Cat/Kat’s :) Despite the truckload of work that I have, I know I want to make the very best of out my last year.

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